Saturday, 13 October 2012

If WWI was a bar fight.....

I don't usually do things like this, but Howard Whitehouse posted this on a Yahoo Group and it made me laugh.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper.

When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway.

Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault. 

While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

7 comments:

  1. Love it!

    Germany sulks at home for a while, then goes to Spain with Italy for a holiday. They join in a Spanish barfight. Russia, who is also on holiday, gets involved. One thing leads to another and the whole business starts off again at a football match in Poland.

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    1. Excellent.

      You forgot to say "Britain and France sit in the corner. France keeps suggesting they should get up and separate them but Britain shakes its head. To keep France happy Britain prevents Spain from getting a knife out of its pocket whilst Germany and Italy beat it over the head with a barstool. Russia offers to hit them with a table, but only if Spain will give it its car keys."

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  2. I am going to nick this and re-write as a bar brawl in Liverpool. This is a superb bit of writing.

    I might have a bash at WW2 as well.

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    1. WW2 might be a bit of a challenge! (After all America and Japan are in a different pub, and they don't even agree with the Brits and French as to when opening time was.

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  3. It is a pretty funny analysis of the war. I saw it the first time about 3 years ago on a yahoo group and I copied and emailed it to the participants of a PBeM Diplomacy Game I was running. I wonder who the author was. I don't recall any credits at the time. It was nice to see again.

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    1. I didn't claim it was original. i pinched it from Howard Whitehouse.

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